The Mentor Gap
For a child who doesn't have one, a caring adult role model can make all the difference.
By Sarah Seltzer
Most teenagers from privileged
backgrounds have adult figures at home who shepherd, cajole and support
them. But these teens are also surrounded by role models: camp counselors,
SAT tutors, favorite teachers, and older kids who captain teams and
run activities at school. These are what Jean Cohen, Executive Director
of the Mentoring Partnership of Long Island, calls "informal mentoring
relationships" and they are everywhere in the lives of affluent kids.
But this abundance of guidance is absent for many teens in the city. The inequalities start at a basic level: city public school teachers teach classes up to twice as large as those in prep schools, and are busy more hours of the day, lacking informal office-time that teachers and students rely on for extra help or time to chat.
In my experience working with
teens from a variety of backgrounds--as a tutor and teacher for both
prep school students and underserved kids- I've come to
realize the so-called "achievement gap" goes beyond test scoresat
its core, it's a gap in support and guidance, factors which help define
whether a teen√s transition to adulthood will be a success.
Enter the mentors. Whether
working through a national network, an enrichment program, or a place
of worship, mentors are not tutors, teachers, or counselors. They are
older people--anyone from recent college graduates to parents--who listen to kids, inspiring them to make wise choices and exposing
them to new things. Their time commitment is usually 4-6 hours per month,
or, as Cohen says, the same amount of time as "one TV
show."
A high
school friend of mine, Zach Kubin, had his first mentoring experience
at a boys and girls club near his college upstate.
As well-intentioned as the club was, Kubin was was disturbed
by its lack of extra-curriculars compared to
those at our alma mater, Horace Mann, where "people went to great
lengths to make sure you were a fully functioning member of society."
At the boys and girls club, Kubin recalls, "there were 300 kids and
4 full-time employees." He has continued to mentor since.
Who Needs a Mentor?
Children or teens needing mentors are usually underserved in some way, whether they come from a tough neighborhood or have a lack of contact with family. But they can be anyone who needs extra care.
"It can be kids who just moved to America, from single-parent families, or with a parent who√s working a couple of jobs," says Cohen. "Or, intact families where one sibling is really ill and the parents look for help for their other child."
One thing is for sure: no matter what their background, teens enrolled in mentoring programs are eager for contact with supportive adults.
In my own experience, I found
that across the board, all my students, inlucidng both prep school students
and underserved kids--even those teens who were reluctant to tackle academic work
or led troubled lives at home--still
craved approval and face time with any adult who would give it to them.
The need for a compassionate ear is an intrinsic
one that often must be met before students can think about their papers,
tests, or scores.
Who Makes a Good Mentor
Potential mentors may be intimidated by the idea of having to impart wisdom or direction to a teen or pre-teen, but that's not their main role at all. In fact, they're mostly there to listen.
Executive Director of MENTOR/National Mentoring Partnership, Gail Manza, points out that instructive types who might make great teachers or coaches aren't necessarily the perfect mentors; adults who can get to know young people and follow their lead are who's needed . Instead of saying "be like me," mentors say "let's make you the best you that you can be," explains Manza.
My brother Dan Seltzer, who has mentored, been a camp counselor, and taught inner-city children, points out that conventional wisdom says teachers must subjugate the urge to be a child's friend, while being a mentor is "answering that urge."
For his four years in college,
he mentored a young boy named Anthony, with whom he still keeps in touch
after six years of friendship. They saw each others homes (or
dorms), met friends and family, explored town, and became fast friends. "If you stick with it you see kids grow up," Dan says.
What Mentors Do
After an application process and a brief training session, mentors meet with their mentees on a weekly or bi-weekly basis for a few hours at a time. Zach, my friend from high school, has given Brandon, a thirteen year old who comes from Trinidad and lives in the Bronx, a chance to explore the city that√s his new home. They've been to movies, museums, the zoo and aquarium, and more.
"His mother works as a waitress for 14 hour days, and doesn't have a car," says Zach. "I love being able to take him to Manhattan, take him to The Statue of Liberty. I'm showing him stuff that kids like us took for granted when growing up."
For Jean Cohen, who has a son but no daughters, having a mentee was a chance to explore her feminine side, "like blue glitter nail polish," she notes with a laugh.
Cohen emphasizes the importance
of helping your mentee discover their passions and interests.
She describes mentors and mentees bowling, jogging, cooking, doing arts
and crafts, and just hanging out "all with the purpose of
developing a friendship." She and Manza both emphazise the fact that
the best predictor of impact is the strength of the friendship formed.
How Mentors Help
So what can mentors expect from their students? Will their lives turn around and the results be tangible? Manza and Cohen say a lot of what√s involved with mentor training is teaching adults to have realistic expectations--a problem parents may have with their own kids as well.
"There are lots of statistics that say kids who have mentors will do better in school and form better relationships," says Cohen. "Mentors don't necessarily see that every week." What they do see is a young person who is happy to see them, and feels lovedÉa feeling mentors reciprocate.
Cohen herself saw her mentee slowly explore academic enrichment programs that had seemed too overwhelming before their mentoring relationship began.
Zach Kubin saw that Brandon, who had lost his father, stopped getting into as many fights in school after their relationship had developed. Especially for young men, having regular contact with an older male can make a world of difference.
"There's a tremendous interest in having male volunteers," says Manza. She and Cohen note that, more than women, some men are intimidated by volunteering because of the sense of responsibility they feel is involved, which they worry they can't meet. Manza and Cohen remind potential mentors that they are not parents, or financial supporters. All they have to do is show up. This regularity can give teens who lack consistency in their lives a home base.
