A new book describes a growing trend of depression among affluent teens, and dispenses important advice to parents.
By Sarah Seltzer
Parents work hard so they can afford to raise their children in good neighborhoods, send them to the best schools, and surround them with creature comforts. But according to Madeline S. Levine, Ph.D., the affluent communities sought out by such parents are far from insulated; in fact, she says, there’s a flip side to the comfort and success for which so many parents strive. In her new book, The Price of Privilege, Levine describes an “epidemic” of empty, depressed kids from wealthy backgrounds, kids whose inner selves have been neglected in favor of a perfectionist ideal.
Describe the "new breed of unhappy teenager" that inspired you to write this book.
In 25 years of practice, I've grown used to seeing unhappy kids. What’s different about the kids I’m seeing now is they’re not so frazzled. They’re well-dressed, well-groomed, sometimes they have good grades, or are still playing on the soccer team or cheerleading. But scratch the surface and these kids are pretty empty, pretty unhappy. These kids have a well-developed and appealing façade, but they suffer from "socially implanted selves." They're used to hearing "You're so smart, you’re so talented, you’re such a star." These kids have had who they are defined for them, but things that come from the outside feel fake. They don’t have a well-developed self, which critically means they have no self-management skills.
What separates kids experiencing the symptoms you describe from the stereotype we have of bored, angsty teenagers? What's more alarming about what you're seeing?
I'm not seeing bored, spoiled kids. I'm seeing really impaired kids. The whole notion of poor little rich kids is a way of trivializing a really serious issue. The fact is that these kids are going to be our leaders. They are kids whose parents have money, who tend to become lawyers, doctors, and policy makers. We want them with good conscience, and a good sense of community, and an ability to connect with others, in addition to being happy.
What are some of the specific pitfalls of affluence that create this kind of depression in teenagers?
It’s not money that’s causing the problem; it’s what I’m calling the “culture of affluence.” And the culture of affluence is about high value on material things, about liking things more than the people around you. Another aspect of it is this sense of competing for limited resources as opposed to cooperation. You don’t help your best friend with his homework because if he gets ahead you might fall behind. There’s a value on individualism as opposed to community and reciprocity. So you don't have to be affluent to be part of culture of affluence—that culture is everywhere. It's all over the media, in most of our institutions. But materialism is an easier default setting when you have money.
You say that this sort of emotional crisis usually manifests itself in adolescence. Are there any warning signs parents can keep an eye out for at an earlier age?
The thing I’d look out for at an earlier age is the kid who is disinterested. Childhood is supposed to be a marvelous adventure. Kids are supposed to be in love with the world. That’s the time of Girl Scouts and Boy Scouts and 4-H clubs and dance recitals. If you observe that your kid is disinterested, not enjoying himself, or not having fun, then I would consider that a warning sign.
What are some concrete steps parents of younger children can take to try to ensure that their kids grow up with a"healthy sense of self?
The most important thing for a parent of a kid of any age is to love the child you’ve got, not the child of your fantasy, not the child you wanted to have, you wish you had, or your neighbor has—because a sense of being lovable is the core of healthy emotional development. That starts at day one. You wanted a girl, but you got a boy? Well, deal with it. Are we ever disappointed? Of course. But a parent who’s temporarily put out is very different from a parent who’s permanently put out. And there are other things you can do. Chores don't exist for many people because the answer is either "she's got to study for her test," or "the housekeeper’s doing her chores." I'm not talking about slave labor. I'm talking about some minimal sense that child has role in the family, has function in the family, is needed by the family. In The Price of Privilege I mention that you get the most bang for your buck out of family dinner. If you eat with your kids five times a week, they are far less likely to run into emotional or drug or alcohol problems.
Besides the all-important family dinner, what are some other examples of changes in routine that busy families can adopt in order to encourage kids to develop healthier senses of self?
I think there are really small things you can do that go unnoticed, like sitting on a kid’s bedside before sleep--not "So, tell me how your day was," but just hanging out. One of the difficult parts about parenting is you never know when kids are ready to come to you. You’re not going to be on call 24-7, so there have to be places in the course of the day where you’re available, you have what I call an "inviting, listening presence." You’re not dictating or directing, you’re just there. Find out what your kid is interested in. You may want them to be into reading, but they may be interested in their rock collection. So hang out a little with the rock collection. Don't take it over, but show genuine interest in a child's interest.
You warn that an overemphasis on consumption can contribute to teens' disconnectedness. Are there any guidelines parents should follow with allowance and pocket money to avoid impulses towards materialism in their children?
I never paid my kids for chores or grades, because again that sets up performance issues. For instance, a kid comes home with an A in math, a B in science, and a C in history. And the parents are always like, "Okay you get $10 for the A, but man that C is awful." In fact, the C might represent the higher achievement. So result is being rewarded over effort. So I'm very opposed to money for grades. I'm also opposed to money for chores because that's part of being in the family. Nobody pays me when I do the laundry. When each of my kids turned 13, he had to make a budget, so I wasn’t constantly handing out $10 bills. It was a good exercise in self-management. I started with my oldest, and he went from demanding Nike shoes to buying shoes at Payless because it was on his dime. It can start very young. Should you be giving an 8 year old a couple bucks a week? I think it's a good idea. Make some agreement with that child about what it’s used for. It’s a great way to learn self-control. If he blows it the first day, he doesn't have it for the rest of the week.
What are some examples of peer pressure that parents might face from other parents in environments like schools or sports leagues? How can parents develop coping mechanisms to withstand those social pressures?
Speak up or don't participate. If you really feel it's not a good environment for your kid, he doesn’t belong there. My younger son was a very good soccer player and he was on the select soccer team. In my opinion it was an abominable experience. The coaches were screaming; the parents were hysterical. The way they won the state championship was constant practice and drilling, as if nothing else existed. My son was goalie. I knew it was terrible for my son because he was starting to get anxious and get headaches. Was there a lot of pressure to maintain him for the good of the team? Well, yes. But as soon as you see that kind of anxiety you have to take a deep breath and do what’s right for your child. We pulled him from the team and he was a much happier child. At the time we felt we were the only people who felt that way, but it turned out that there were 3 or 4 people who felt that way. That was the beginning of the lacrosse league. We got together, and these kids took up lacrosse instead. The coaches were less nutty, the parents were less nutty. My kid is now in high school, he's still playing it and it’s been an entirely different experience. There's been this distortion about what sports are--sports are play. The reason that play is critical for children is that it is unstructured. In that lack of structure, kids learn to make mistakes, they learn to be frustrated; they learn that they can’t throw their toys. They learn all kinds of things without having adults constantly direct their every move.
What is a good way that a parent can speak with a young child or teenager who faces a limitation in abilities--for instance, the athlete who gets put on the bench or the student who gets tracked into a lower math group?
Part of the task of childhood and the middle years is finding out what kids are good at and what their natural skills are. There’s an inevitable disappointment when kids realize that they are really good at math, but can’t do English, or they can play tennis, but aren’t good at team sports. There are a couple things parents need to do. The first thing to do is to let kids know that it’s okay. We all have strengths and weaknesses. I’m very verbal but bad at spatial relationships. My son has a verbal learning disability but excellent spatial sense. When he hit high school and had to take a language we took sign language together. He’s an A student, and I don’t get a grade, but I would be a D student. He said, “I’m really much better at something than you are!” Kids need to see that their parents struggle. This goes back to the business of perfectionism. If all kids see is you do everything easily and perfectly, they don’t learn that it’s part of the human condition to be better at some things and not as good at others. And after you explain that, the child has choices. The child can work harder, or can find something better suited to him or her, or he can stick with it and sit on the bench and enjoy the social part of it.
In the book you shared some of your own self-described worst parenting moments with the readers of your book. Are you hoping to use those stories to inspire parents to examine themselves with less guilt?
I honestly feel we are all in this together. I have three astounding kids, which is a combination of parenting for sure, a lot of good luck, and good genes. There’s no one thing that determines what a kid will be like. The reason it was so important to share my own stories is that it’s extremely important to me that this book not be a screed. Reaching affluent women is tough. As a group they can be extremely defended and feel that they’re going to be treated with aggression and not compassion. And I think it was important to set that genuine tone that says, "I've been there as well. Here are things I handled well, here are mistakes I made." We’re human. Lapses are inevitable.
You devote a chapter to the way perfectionism plagues affluent mothers. What about our society makes it so hard for mothers to admit their vulnerability, and what is some advice you can give them about developing their own senses of self?
I think it goes back to the culture of affluence. Amassing wealth is an extremely time-consuming, extremely difficult process. It takes a very long time, and one does have to be competitive. For many, it’s hard to grasp the notion that they can be vulnerable and still be successful. My advice again is that kids should be loved for who they are, not what they do. But the biggest piece of advice is: make sure you’re okay. In the book I say: "Happiness is an inside job." You cannot fake it. I mention the story about how when the flight attendant is going through emergency procedures she says, "put your own mask on first." The reality is that if you’re not a happy mother, you're not going to turn out a happy kid.
Although you focus on moms, what are some steps fathers can take to help kids develop healthy identities and independence?
Research shows that an involved dad in adolescence results in kids with better social skills and better grades. Moms are made unhappy by problems in marriage. Being able to nurture their wives, being able to take time to be part of their wives’ lives in addition to their children’s lives is important for a father to do. But I think that dads have a really hard time because they have the pressure of maintaining the lifestyle. Plus there’s all this advice about, "You ought to hang around more, you ought to have an inviting, welcoming presence" when dad's coming home at 11 o’clock and can’t see straight. Everything we know tells us there is a zero correlation between money and happiness. You have to think about whether that extra thousand or ten thousand or hundred thousand dollars is worth it. Because what your kids need is not stuff or money. What your kids need is you.
New York Family Magazine, July 2006 | p. 48 Back Home
