Hungry for Perfection
Eating disorders and disordered eating are the overlooked casualty of the drive to be the "perfect girl."
By Sarah Seltzer
The New York Times' April story "For Girls, It's Be Yourself, and Be Perfect Too," highlighted the new breed of "perfect girls"--young women who have achieved every external marker of success. These young women are intelligent, highly motivated, and are getting into more colleges than their male peers, yet they still manage to maintain a veneer of calm even while garnering numerous achievements.
But underneath the drive for perfection, there's something more sinister: the eating disorders that accompany the young women who strive for complete internal and external percection. Eating disorders aren't going away. In fact, controlling one's food intake is often seen as another notch on the belt of flawlessness.
I see the problem constantly in my work with teens. A prep school junior told me that no one would actually want to weigh within the healthy weight range at the doctor's office--everyone knew you had to be below it. And several 9th grade girls I teach at an enrichment program for low-income students said their summer plans were to diet and exercise their "baby fat" out of existence.
On the surface, these girls are high achieving, charming, intellectually passionate and driven. But they have already internalized the idea that they have to be thin to win--and it's taking a toll on their self image.
One voice of sanity on this issue is Courtney Martin, who just came out with her first book: Perfect Girls, Starving Daughters: The Frightening New Normalcy of Hating Your Body. Martin's thesis is that beneath every perfect girl who comes home from track practice, eats a balanced dinner, and tackles her AP calc homework, there's a starving daughter, who will go 20 blocks out of her way just to be able to indulge shamelessly in a huge Tasti-d-Lite or some other low calorie treat. The starving daughter will lie in bed at night regretting the cookies she ate that day--or longing for the cookies she didn't eat. Bodies, says Martin, are the battlegrounds where girls fight to achieve control and perfection. She spoke to NY Family about the spectrum of disordered eating, the dangers of perfectionism, and what parents can do to help their daughters.
How did you feel about the recent New York Times article that talked about the "perfect girls" in Newton Massachusetts? What's under the surface of that perfection?
There's a tendency to celebrate all of this achievement, and the energy and devotion and exhausting quality of that achievement. It fits into the sunshine post-feminist picture we want to have about women. But the underbelly is that is that there's anxiety, depression, a general lack of enjoyment and joy, that's easier to ignore.
I understand, because when you're reporting on teenage girls, the reality is that the picture is pretty painful. What's your ethical role as a journalist? I have sympathy for the fact that the media glosses things over. The journalists are trying to protect young women.
Can an article like that do more harm than good?
It fuels young women's sense that this is normal. It's normal to have outlandish expectations. It's normal not to have free time or joy. It perpetuates an archetype of the perfect girl. The more they see it celebrated, the more they'll think of it as natural.
How can the media portray young women in a more positive way and avoid that trap?
News always leans towards the extraordinary. There are magazines like Bust, Bitch, and Utne reader which try to point out the importance of young women saying no to our achievement oriented culture. They highlight women doing things like taking a year off before college, they focus on young women doing things that are more self protective, healthy, and joyful. Mainstream magazines could take their example.
There's a website called Calmpuscalm.org. One young woman said this is ridiculous, she started a nonprofit to encourage young women to have more joy and take on less. The mainstream press hasn't picked up on it.
How can friends, teachers, and particularly parents, set a good example for the "starving daughter" who may be lurking beneath the surface of that "perfect girl"?
If mothers and teachers, could more often listen to their own "starving daughters" part of themselves, and say to their families, "I wanted to cook an elaborate diner but I was exhausted and wanted to protect my energy," It could be transformative in way their daughter sees femaleness. She'll learn that "I guess it's ok to say no when I'm exhausted."
You talk about the onset of puberty as a sort of danger zone for the birth of eating disorders.
It's a moment when young women are most connected to their bodies, for good and bad. Strange new things are happening. All of a sudden they're getting recognized for their bodies. They have a source of power, power they don't understand.You're not only changing physically, you're also wanting to compose your own identity.
Who are you, what are you about? It's the most identity focused and body focused moment.
Is there anything parents can do to ease that transition into adolescence and make it less fraught with perils?
One thing we could do is have more rituals, like bar mitzvahs but not as elaborate. It's a way to say your changing body is miraculous and exciting, there are incredible things about being a women. Like a camping trip--you know when you turn thirteen there's going to be a camping trip, or some sort of positive experience. Also it's important that her father is talking about it in a positive way
What are some warning signs to look for during this crucial time?
If your daughter isn't eating at the dinner table it's a problem. Some parents Believe what they want to believe, but we need to be cognizant in this day and age. Parents should not let daughter convince them she's eating somewhere else. Also, move her away from an obsession with her friends, if she's saying oh, this friend's so pretty and that friend's so perfect.
What's the difference between disordered eating and eating disorders?
The obesity epidemic and eating disorders are two sides of same coin. We live in a bulimic culture, where it's all or nothing. It's hard for us to conceptualize, that people are existing on extremes. The wisest thing you can do is take the middle path. The middle path is also so difficult.
You talk about a concept called father hunger and how it can contribute to eating disorders.
The phrase was coined Margo Maine. Her idea was that if a girl has a weak father presence, she ends up using food as a replacement. When I interviewed women for my book about their eating issues, there was 100% a mother was going to show up in the discussion, but a very close second was a father. Whether it's not having a father figure, or a father who only showed his love through food, or fathers who commented on their daughters bodies, it was incredibly painful.
And then were fathers who didn't comment on their daughters, but were free to comment on other women, which sends the message to girls that your physicality will be constantly observed.
What about mothers' perfectionism? How does that contribute?
Your average mother really is in tune with these issues but not following her own advice. If the daughter is watching the mother that is going to speak louder than any words.This generation of super-moms created the super-girl. They do all this important work outside the home, plus they do the birthday parties, the entertaining, and a lot of the parenting. It's hard--what the hell is a mother supposed to do? But the more that a mother can live the idea of not taking responsibility for everything, the better for her daughter. It's radical in our society for a woman to refuse to hate her own body. Seeing her mom protecting herself, that could be incredibly powerful for daughters.
Ten ways you and your daughter can take action against a body-obsessed culture
1. Never diet
2. Seek out products from companies that use models that look like you in their advertisements.
3. Throw away magazines that make you feel bad.
4. Shift conversations about weight loss to conversations about overall health.
5. Scrutinize your self-talk more than you scrutinize your body; stop self-hating comments in their tracks.
6. Don't think or talk critically about other women's bodies.
7. Don't compliment people by saying "you look like you've lost weight!"
8. Move in ways that make you happy.
9. Try to reconnect with your authentic hungers.
10. A cookie is just a cookie. If you eat one, get over it. Move on.
Five biggest losses to women who obsess over food and fitness (and it's not weight!)
1. Precious time and energy
2. Money
3. Joy
4. Fulfilling and open relationships.
5. A sense of well being.
New York Family Magazine, p. 106, 108 | June 2007
